And they lived happily ever after...

*Wiping my tears* Something about "and they lived happily ever after" is oh so sweet, like music to my ears. Something about that storybook ending just opens up the floodgates of tears. (Hey, that rhymed, I'll go with it.) Something about that ending foretells of blissful years. Something about that ending...just isn't the truth and I know that's not what we want to hear. (Poem complete.) 

I love me some fairy tale endings and I know I'm not alone. I remember watching "500 Days of Summer" and feeling some kind of way that he didn't end up with Summer but after giving it some thought and seeing his new love interest, I guess I made peace with it. Did I make peace with it because someone else came along (Autumn) or simply because I realized that sometimes things are just not meant to be and that's okay. 

In honor of Valentine's Day, for those who buy into it and I do mean BUY, I wanted to share some thoughts on the fairy tales we create and secretly crave in our hearts. I know some people who are just longing to be married. I know others who didn't really want it and they're now married with children. There is no rhyme or reason as to why that is, it just is. Some would say it's because it comes when you least expect it. Yes, that may be true but one can't help feel what they feel, I mean, you can but if they want a mate, let them want a mate. It is up to us  to question why we want one. The why, the why, the why...never fails you by and by. I don't know about you but I am sensing a new calling, right? I'm a poet! :) 

When you choose to write about your journey, as I have, you soon realize that certain topics will hit very close to home and others were lessons learned long ago that no longer bring up certain emotions, others will involve people who may be reading your work (you're so vain you think this post is about you) and others are full of self discovery because you don't know where to begin and you certainly don't see where it will end. 

This one falls under one of those or...maybe all. Maybe it's an apology, maybe it's me releasing IT into the world so that I can be free. Maybe it's just me growing up and realizing that sometimes we wish for things that we don't have enough room to receive. There it is. 

Similar to wanting five cars but having a two car garage or wanting that fun foosball table for a studio apartment. Yes I like foosball! Where are you going to put it? We can force it, try to make room and squeeze it in but at some point something else will give, trust you me. 

My close friends know a little about this story. I had a boyfriend of six years and we met when I was 18. A great, kind, handsome guy. Those six years of my life, along with the ups and downs of our relationship, were great. I'm not just saying that, he treated me like royalty and showed me that daily. He made sure I was happy all of the time, whatever that looked like. 

I, on the other hand, could not see a good thing even if it was under my nose. I know this now. I was young, I was a brat, I felt entitled...I've since forgiven myself, yes (and he has too) but the bottom line is I was young and naive. I didn't know what love was and I didn't know how to love. That Lil Wayne song just popped into my head. In my opinion - he says differently - I didn't love him as he deserved to be loved. He says, I don't owe him any apologies...I told you he was a nice guy. 

I think he sees it as me doing the best I could with what I had. There is alot of truth in that. I used to remain friends with my exes, I am that girl but these days with my Christian walk and all, many separations have taken place. The gift of goodbye as my old pastor would say. 

Some of us still don't know what love is. We want it, we desire it, we pray for it, we go after it without fully knowing what we might be getting ourselves into. I now know love because of the love my father in heaven has shown me. I can't describe it and I can't even touch it or Him but I feel it. I've seen it. My life is an example of His love -- I testify! 

Even some God fearing Christians, have a skewed view on love. Life happens -- resentment creeps in, doubt sneaks in, hate grows within but all the while we are wondering why we don't have love. I'm referring to a 'soul mate' kind of love which is the love that everyone is waiting for, "When is your big day?", they ask. People will hype up your wedding day more so than they would someone giving birth. We have some reevaluating to do but I digress. 

Now I want the love that I had ten years ago. The difference is that I now have room to receive it (there might be more room to make, we ain't all there yet) because I have been intentional about getting rid of the junk that was taking up some space; bitterness, shame, guilt, unforgiveness, anger, and resentment. 

Whatever was in my heart not allowing me to see the great guy I had in front me -- had to go. Thank God for cleansing us with the blood and making us a new creation because without Him, this internal work would not be possible. If you do it on your own, there may be temporary healing and then it'll creep back in. But God...

I'm not saying I want him back, he is now happily married and I am praying he is living a life of happily ever after because after all, he deserves it. I'm not saying that had I known how to love we would be together still. I wouldn't be who I am without that valuable lesson. He was a gift and I thank him for loving me in my mess and seeing past that. Seeing me. 

I wasn't a witch in that relationship, let's be clear, I felt like there was more that I could give or there was more for me to receive but my cup wasn't big enough. 

I share that story because it made me think of us singles, who want love but when a good guy comes along we say, "Oh, he's too nice." To which I say, "Girl bye!" 

Or men who say "She ain't wifey material" but will proceed to go to bed with her...with her permission of course. Doesn't make it right, fellas. 

Case in point, we don't know what love is nor do we know how to receive it so our expectations are warped. 

I want us all to be aware of those things in our heart that do not allow us to receive the love our father is trying to pour out either directly to us or through the gift of others. 

I didn't know how to love because I didn't love ME. I've always been a hopeless romantic, if you will, but something didn't allow me to star in my own romantic comedy. Something was hindering my storybook ending and I had to seek that out sooner or later. Thank God I did. The work and digging through the archives was easier said than done but running away was not an option. Don't take the easy route guys. 

So shoutout to all of the good men who feel like they've been taken advantage of. Or have been put in the friend zone. Or feel under appreciated or feel like good guys finish last -- your bae is coming! :) 

Let me apologize for the immature women, for the lost women, for the misguided women, for the women who don't know how to receive your love, for the women who don't know how to love, for the naive women and for the hurt women who hurt you -- I am sorry. 

After that relationship, I've had others who in turn have hurt me. Oh boy, did they hurt me. That means I had to make some more room and get rid of the poison all over again. I had to forgive them because I was forgiven. 

At some point we will experience heart break and aches...sometimes you may find yourself on the receiving end and sometimes you might be the perpetrator but let's remember to keep making room for LOVE. Get rid of the past hurts. Get rid of unrealistic expectations. Get rid of the fear to love. Get rid of the guilt. Get rid of worldly expectations. 

Learn how to love by loving YOU. We learn to love ourselves when we know who we really are not who the world has told us we are. When we know we are not who our experience tells us we are. Get rid of the lies. Make room. 

Love is not self seeking...love keeps no record of wrong. Two of favorite lines in 1 Corinthians 13. When we live like this, then maybe, just maybe, we can LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 

Do you have room to receive the love that you are are seeking?