The Nudge

Moment of transparency...

I mean, I've written poems as a kid. I can put together a few rhymes. (I like it when it rhymes.) That then led to writing my testimony in a spoken word piece titled, Free. Which then led to me reciting it in Bangkok, in the middle of the red light district. That then led to a friend asking me to do a spoken word piece for her women's conference and that one was titled Shift. That then led to others asking me to do more spoken word, even in my seminary class, and more opportunities came along. All the while, I'm talking with God and saying, this was not part of the plan. You all know what I'm talking about right? He unfolds it one step at a time because the truth is we can't handle his Ephesians 3:20 promise of doing "far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think." I was okay with taking that first step but the next step -- hol'up. 

You know that feeling when someone asks the question, "Who wants to go first?" while in a group of strangers and more often than not, no one really wants to step up, albeit for different reasons but nonetheless silence follows. 

However, you know, it's you that's meant to speak. You know it's you that's meant to answer. You know it's you that feels the nudge that you think will go away once a brave soul (braver than you might I add) actually does answer. And guess what, someone else will respond even though you were going through all of those emotions because time waits for no one. Thank you Lord for being faithful even when ...

Well here I am, I was hoping that feeling went away. I was hoping that still small voice would completely be muted. I was hoping that I could play the back seat just this one time. But what I was really hoping for wasn't hopeful at all. Hoping against what God has purposed me to do? Hoping that no one would notice me while my brain was full of God ideas, concerns, suggestions, things to say, words of encouragement but fear held my tongue. God knows I'm hiding and He continues to send people to encourage me, to push me to step out, to speak, to write, to fellowship, to come along side them and He surely keeps nudging me. Shout out to those special people whom He has used and brought into my life - I thank you. 

Many know I came to Los Angeles very confident in my talent and passion for acting. When most people had a plan B, I did not. I was THAT sure that this is what I was to do. My desire to act was meant to inspire a people, it was never really about me. I just had this desire (and talent) to show people that impossible was nothing by way of a little girl from the Bronx dreaming big and attaining it. I had that conviction at a very early age. I was raised Catholic didn't know Jesus as my Lord and Savior but I knew about God; I can now say I have seen His hand at work in my life as I look back. 

After four years of doing the Hollywood shuffle and by that I mean trying to get an agent and going through several, getting into SAG, auditions, taking commercial classes, consistently working on my craft, working on my first independent feature etc...one day at One Church LA, I was called by the Lord. It initially happened at Faithful Central Bible Church, my home church at the moment, but since that moment, my life has changed. God has completely transformed my life and accelerated this faith walk of mine in such a way that has me second guessing if I am ready. Ready for what, you ask? Right. This is where I want to cower back because it seems like one too many things. Can we pick one? I mean ... Whereas I just wanted to act, God is saying you can do that and this ... And this ... And this. I AM the potter, He reminds me. 

He nudges me and tells me I'm ready to release all that He has poured into me over these last three years not because I'm so special but when God has a call on your life (and He does, Jeremiah 29:11) ain't no devil in hell going to stop it. He'll try though. He'll try really hard and you'll even try to self-sabotage. However, people's lives are at stake and there are too many Christians living in the extremes of their faith. All prayer and waiting or all striving and idolizing, we must learn to lead balanced lives and that takes intentionality. It also takes a lot of self-reflection as we examine the why behind our goals and dreams. 

In the meantime, God continues to nudge me and says I'm ready to walk with women, something I am super passionate about. Ready to empower and train up the youth. Ready to build up the church. Ready to identify myself as a voice and speaker. Ready to say I am called to ministry. Ready to fully own why I'm in seminary and how it's not just for my own understanding but for others as well. Ready to take off the limitations. Ready to walk in purpose. Ready to figure it out as God guides me. I don't know what it looks like and that's the part that's held me back as well. I have a company name. I have ideas swirling in my head and I will meet with people who will help me execute those so they don't stay in my brain. I will get this train moving. Truth is, whether I am ready or not, it's not about me so I'll do what God has shown me to do when in doubt, pray and obey.

Summer '16 has been the realest! So much healing, revelation, clarity, and confirmation but God had to bring me to a complete moment of stillness. God would not leave me this way (he started nudging me as soon as my semester ended in May and would not stop) and that's the God we serve. He calls me higher because He knows what He's created me for, to do, and is confident in His creation.

So now I have to start with what I've got. That's my voice. That's my blog. That's words.  That's my social media platform. That's Him. I have spoken word pieces that I have yet to put out there because I have had this spirit of fear because my confidence is in my acting especially after honing it for 20 years but ask me to do a spoken word piece, ask me to lead a bible study, ask me to preach the gospel and all I can think of is but this is new to me, can I get some training first? Can I gain some more understanding as it relates to your Word? Can I earn my degree? As if that's  the source. As if that's what I place my confidence in. As if, I didn't know that I am but a vessel ... When I am weak, then I am strong. 

If there's anyone who wants to help me walk this thing out - being a speaker, counselor, minister, writer, author, a spoken word artist, a dreamer and a doer ... I am open to hearing your thoughts. I am quick to give counsel & advice and just as readily, I receive it. 

This blog post is to rid myself of this paralyzing fear and to be transparent about where I am so that we can all see God move, to let others know the call on my life and not for validation because you might have seen it already and have called it out of me many times (or not) but I needed to believe it and continue to believe it so here it is in writing. 

Also, we often hear the testimonies after the testing and trials (hence why they are testimonies) but seldom do we hear of the journey, the faith it takes, the tears, the stumbles, the overcoming, the small victories as it's unfolding. Those who know me know that I am an  open book and I've heard it said that even our experiences belong to God and should be shared. I stand by that and in that way, I do not hide so here it is - my moment of transparency. 

The nudge, the push, the call, the thing we fear ... May we go forward knowing God's grace is enough. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Glory to God.