Just do it.
Do it afraid.
Take courage, my heart.
Be courageous.
God did not give you a spirit of fear...
Doesn't all of that sound great, in theory? Can one of you tell me how to apply that? Does this mean, I talk myself out of it? Does this mean, I repeat it and therefore I am IT. What does this mean exactly? The truth is, I say these very things to myself and others, if I'm honest. I'm all for TRUTH and these statements are true but when your heart hasn't caught up to what your mind already knows, what do you do? I'm at a loss for words which is ironic because this blog needs to be written. I am working through these emotions as I write. Tomorrow I have a boxing class and will release any tension I might have all the more while there but right now, I just want to put my thoughts here - for you to see, for me to acknowledge.
I consider myself a vocal person, however I wasn't always like that. That took lots of work (layers of healing & freedom in Christ) to get me here, some of you are probably thinking, how do we get you to being a quiet girl again? Haha Not happening! However, I am an introvert, alone time over social scenes any day so don't get offended if you invite me out and I say, well uh...the way my life is set up.
I was always the shy girl, the quiet girl, the didn't-want-to-play-with-boys girl. I'd speak to myself in my room, I'd act, I'd play pretend, I'd write poetry, I had a relationship with words before I had a relationship with acting. I miss acting. I was able to hide behind a character and think to myself that the character was only somewhat like me, not completely. I'd find my truth in her but then color her with other idiosyncrasies that were not my own. I'd get lost in creating. I cultivated my art over the years, taking classes after classes, putting on stage plays, working with a mentor, having a community to bounce ideas off of, even obtaining a degree in Theatre for crying out loud - there was safety and comfort in all of that.
Moving to Los Angeles was not easy but I wanted change & growth more than I wanted anything else. I wanted to pursue acting beyond the scope of Lehman College Theatre. S/O to the drama squad! I always knew I wouldn't stay in the Bronx but the Bronx is surely my home, my city and played a huge role in the woman I am today and it's taught me well. I hope to be back and give back to the city and community that raised me but I digress.
Here I am, YET AGAIN, at another point of transition, anyone who is walking with the Lord, knows what I'm talking about. Sheesh! I cannot get comfortable, He won't let me. I'm comfortable on stage but I am not there yet when it comes to spoken word. It's new and sometimes we fail at things that are new. Sometimes we are uneasy with the new. I've written over a dozen spoken word pieces I can say are good, I know it, I feel it, I know they're inspired but I can't bring myself to sharing it with the world. I share anyhow because God opens a door of opportunity and I walk through it, I drag my feet, but I walk through it. Every opportunity that has come my way, I have not sought out, it has found me. Tell me God isn't trying to tell me something!
And so God has opened another door, this Saturday, I'll be sharing a couple of pieces. I didn't want to promote the event BUT because I am the girl that asks why, I had to ask myself that (why JFer) and this is my attempt at answering that question. The question of my not wanting to invite my friends to this event.
It's not that I am afraid to speak, or have stage fright, or don't have bomb pieces to share (lol because I do, won't He do it?), it's because it's a new direction for me and I see the path He is setting before me so clearly and it involves more spoken word/poetry. It's not that I lack clarity, it's just that I haven't put in the 10000 hours of practice and thereby, I disqualify myself.
That being said, God has chosen me to speak, to write, to share, to minister words of truth and healing, to encourage, and to create. Therefore, because He's chosen me, He has also anointed me to do so. I am doing it by His grace, it comes with ease the more I say yes and that's how I know I am in alignment with His will for my life. That's not me boasting but that is me boasting in the Lord. There isn't any resistance when I write my pieces, they just flow. Remember, when I said I had a relationship with words before I did acting? Perhaps He is just setting me on the path I was meant to be on all along. My friend and I are writing a screenplay so acting and/or film & tv aren't out of the picture altogether. It's also the realization that comes with having a career change of sorts at this point in my life, all I can say is, really Lord? Ain't nobody got ti--- but then I check myself. I already went through a huge transition when I started seminary.
Yes, I am in seminary, studying to show myself approved and I am also still artistic, writing and speaking for the Lord in creative ways. Limitations set forth by others will have you believe that you're only called to the church or that you're only called to the marketplace, that because you're a certain age, God can't use you anymore? That you're too liberal, too focused on social justice, that you don't fit THEIR mold... Child of God, set yourself free and let God out of that box religion has put Him in. Add the slashes to your name, let Him use you. God is still asking, WHO WILL GO FOR US? Isaiah 6:8 And that's not to the ideal place you've envisioned. Nor down the smooth path you've imagined but He wants to do it through you. Isn't that so humbling?
Is there something the Lord has given you the to do that would take others a long time to do or accomplish, that almost seems effortless? Walk in that grace. Of course, this isn't always the case with everything the Lord calls us to do, this isn't a one size fits all theology.
What I am not saying is that we should forego practice, rehearsal, or putting in the work. I am saying that you'll know that thing is a God thing because it will take you places, and in spaces, and people will see it when you try to hide it and doors will open and lives will be changed - all of that, because our Father will have His way in us, as long as we present ourselves as yielded vessels. And remember to give Him the glory as He moves in you, works through you, blesses others through you, because it's not about you.
If you'd like to come hear me share on Saturday, March 25th in Glendale, here are the deets, "issa" FREE! =) I'd love your support & would love to see some familiar faces and while you're at it, pray that my next blog post won't be one of hesitation but one of me walking, proclaiming, declaring, ALL that God has for me.
I'm not afraid to admit that I am not there yet and even still, I move forward. I press on toward the goal, like Paul said in Philippians 3:14. In summary, it's a process. I remember not wanting to go to seminary, there I am. I remember not wanting to accept that God has chosen me to speak and write, here I am blogging about the struggle, which is so real, ain't it though? I also spoke and did the altar call at a women's conference and the Lord moved powerfully! I remember not wanting to share my spoken word - hello Thailand, Seminary Class, three women's conferences, a dance benefit show, at church, on the Sunset Strip, soon to be on a cable show in April and next up:
The SEED LA - Art Exhibit with Music & Spoken Word
1209 E Garfield Avenue
Glendale, CA 91205
6:30 - 10:30pm
So, yea, I'm going to do it anyway but I wanted to share the process with you all. If you're wondering how do you apply those truths that I started off with, this might be one way - to tell your truth, to accept you're not all there yet and that's okay. People love to share their journey in hindsight, that's not how I flow. Hop on this struggle bus with me. Ride with me to victory because you know that's where we're headed, right? Let's hold on tight as the ride gets bumpy. Let's go, but let's go together. You can pretend all is well because you've got Jesus but I am here for when the rubber hits the road. And while I'm here, devil, you are defeated, I will not be silenced.
Glory to God.
Comments
Post a Comment